


Hank Hill vs Carl Johnson

by Big_Boy_Writer



Series: Hank Hill vs [5]
Category: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, King of the Hill
Genre: Battle, Crossover, Humor, Random & Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29392389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Big_Boy_Writer/pseuds/Big_Boy_Writer
Summary: Hank must battle one hell of a gangbanger.
Series: Hank Hill vs [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271858
Comments: 2





	Hank Hill vs Carl Johnson

It was a pretty crappy day at Strickland propane for Hank. Not only had there been no customers, but Hank was required by his boss to wear a purple uniform. Hank wanted to question his boss about this, but Mr. Strickland was too busy at the strip club. 

Many of his fellow associates could be seen trying to hide their laughter after seeing Hanks' weirdly purple uniform. Normally Hank would be mad about this, but he was more distracted by the lack of customers. He had worked many slow days but never had he seen it completely dead. Something wasn't right.

“God dangit, this eyesore better not be scaring the people off.” Hank complained to himself.

As Hank was trying to figure things out, his associate Enrique ran up to his desk. He was completely out of breath and sweaty.

“Yes yes Enrique, my uniform is purple. Why don’t yo-”

“No Hank! That's not why I’m here!” Enrique interrupts. 

Hank could hear the fear in his voice.

“What's wrong? Is there a propane leak?”

Enrique quickly looked outside before responding. 

“Worse Hank! There's a crazy black guy with a jetpack outside! He’s terrorizing everyone!”

Hank tried to wrap his head around what he just heard. This explained why they had no customers, but he wasn't sure why Enrique was freaking out so badly.

“Well that's bad for business but this town has seen much worse than that. Why are you so scared?”

“You don’t understand Hank, he’s completely naked! The worst part though, he keeps trying to hit people with his cock!!!”

Hanks' eyes shot wide open. 

“His c-c-c- PENIS!? BWWAAAAA!!!”

Hank stood up and ran outside as fast as he could. He frantically looked around for the man and quickly spotted him. Just as Enrique had told him, the man was trying to hit people with his wiener. Joe Jack and Roger were his current victims. 

“Y'all mutha fuckers probably workin for the Bawlas! Now I gotta show you why they call me ‘Carl Big Black Johnson!”

Carl flew down and nailed Roger in the back of the head.

“Ghhaaa!!!! What the hell man!?” 

Roger fell to the ground and rolled under a semi-truck. Joe Jack was already under there, keeping very quiet. 

“I really hope Enrque got Hank.” Joe shivered.

Hank finally snapped out of his confused trance. 

“SIR!!! What in the Hell do you think you’re doing!?”

To Hank’s surprise, the man brought the jetpack to a complete stop. He looked down at Hank and looked him over. All he could see was Hank’s purple uniform.

“Mutha fuckin Bawla calling me Sir!? That’s CJ to you mutha fucka!”

CJ flew towards Hank and attempted to kick him in the face. Hank was about to duck out of the way, but CJ completely missed. At this point, Hank figured out that something else was going on.

“Now listen to me CJ, it’s not a good idea to be on drugs while flying a jetpack! You have any idea how much propane you could damage doing that!?”

CJ was confused for a second but went back to being angry pretty quickly. 

“Mutha Fuckin Bawla uses propane? Damn nigga, don’t your ass know that charcoal is better?”

Hanks' face turned red after hearing this. 

“THAT’S IT! I’M KICKING YOUR ASS!!!”

CJ laughed a little.

“Alright mutha fucka!”

CJ flew at Hank again, but this time he attempted to ram him. Hank easily dodged out of the way, but to his horror, he saw an open flame. 

“Bwwaaaaahhhh!!! You’re gonna get us all killed!”

Hank jumped on the back of the Jet Pack. 

“AHHHHHH!!! GET OFF OF ME MUTHA FUCKA!!!”

CJ started to fly around frantically in an attempt to get Hank off. Hank, on the other hand, was doing his best to steer CJ away from Strickland Propane. He wasn't sure where he was steering CJ towards, but anywhere was better than Strickland Propane. I tell ya h’what.

This lasted for about 5 minutes until CJ finally managed to shake Hank off. The only thing Hank noticed before landing on a car was that they were in a large parking lot. Forchanitly, Hank didn't suffer much damage from the collision. 

It took a few moments for Hank to recover. When he got off the car, he noticed that he was at Mega Low Mart. Though, CJ was nowhere to be seen. 

“God dangit, how did I lose sight of a naked man on a jet-pack?”

Before Hank could go searching for him, he heard screaming coming from the Mega Low Mart. Hank ran up to what was happening and noticed customers running out in a panic. The sounds of gunshots could be heard inside.

“BWAAA!!!”

Hank ran inside while making sure not to run into any of the fleeing customers. Inside, bullet holes could be seen everywhere. Though what really worried him was the “all grenades must go” sign.

“Oh, God! Why in the Hell are they selling grenades!?” Hank exclaimed.

“Mutha fucka talkin about grenades? How about I blow your Bawla ass up?”

Before He could turn to face CJ, he saw a grenade land next to him. 

“BWAAA!!!”

Hank kicked the grenade away and ran as fast as he could. As the grenade went off, Hank looked back to see that CJ had a bag full of grenades. This gave him an idea.

Hank ran to the baking needs aisle and stood by the bags of flour. CJ threw two grenades at him while laughing. Hank ran off while looking back as the grenades went off. As he expected, the resulting explosions filled the air with flour. 

“Aww shit!” CJ yelled as he was blinded by the flour. 

Hank used this opportunity to make his way towards the shooting aisle. He found a fully loaded rife.

“Well god dang, someone must of tired fighting back… At least, I hope that’s what this is.” 

Hank could hear grenades going off all over the store. CJ was still blinded but that didn't stop him from trying to get Hank. If anything, it just pissed him off more. 

“I don’t need my mutha fuckin eyes to kill your mutha fuckin Bawla ass. MUTHA FUCKA!!!”

Hank couldn't help but wonder what drugs he was on. Or what a “Bawla” was. 

“That man ain't right…”

Hank took aim, trying to get a good shot. Unforchanity, CJ had regained his sight. 

“Why there fuckin two of you now?”

Hank looked up in confusion to answer CJ. Though, he couldn't help but stare in silence at CJs now glowing blue eyes. It was clear to Hank, the drugs had completely kicked in.

“B-B-BWWWWAAAAA!!!!!”

Hank took a shot. Luckily for Hank, he managed to directly hit one of the jetpacks' fuel valves. 

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” CJ cried out, as he spiraled out of control.

Hank ducked behind the counter and reloaded. He wasn't so sure if he would need it, but Hank wasn't about to risk it.

“MUTHA FUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

CJ flew directly into a shelf full of 90 proof liquor. Alcohol splattered across the ground around CJ. Despite the damage, CJ’s jetpack was still giving off a flame. Hank gasped in horror.

“Bwaa! Noooo!!!”

The flame set all the alcohol up in flames and quickly got out of control. The uncharted bottles blew up, spreading the flame all over the store. Hank quickly ran for the exit, leaving CJ to his fate. 

“Burn in Hell, you bastard,” Hank growled to himself.

Once he got a safe distance away, looked as the entire store went up in flames. He let out a sigh of relief.

“Well, at least Strickland didn’t get destroyed.”

Hank turned to leave, only to be met with a fat black guy staring at him.

“Bwwaaahh!” Hank calms himself. “Sorry, just a very weird day.”

“It’s all good man, I saw what happened.” The man began explaining. “I just came to tell you this wasn't his fault. He was drugged.”

Hank was simultaneously surprised, yet not surprised.

“Names Big Smoke, by the way.” He added.

“What kinda drag was he on, Mr. Smoke? His eyes were glowing.”

Big Smoke looked down a moment.

“No idea, but it’s been spreading all around. Word on the street is it’s all coming from one guy. Someone with a lot of power.”

“Talkin about a KingPin?” Hank asked.

Big Smoke nodded his head.

“No, Scientific.”

“What…”

Another explosion went off. Any oil or gas in the store.

“I've gotta go.” Big Smoke began. “But just know this. Whoever this man is, he’s been operating for a while.”

Big Smoke walked away, leaving Hank alone with his thoughts.

“I get the feeling more asses are gonna require kicking in the near future…”

**Author's Note:**

> Wasted


End file.
